Intimate relationship…..??

Bilingual Blog- English version is down below

I was listening to a music called<一个像夏天一个像秋天>sings by 范玮琪. I first heard this song when i was looking back my  parent’s wedding tape. 是我妈的伴娘的在婚礼上献唱给我妈妈的。歌词说“如果不是你 我不会相信 朋友比情人更死心塌地 就算我忙恋爱把你冷冻结冰你也不会恨我 只是骂我几句 我的弦外之音 我的有口无心 我离不开darling 更离不开你”，亲密关系是人长到一定岁数必然会参与进的话题，包括但不限于友情 爱情 或者其他定义。而 爱 去爱 和被爱 也就成了我最近正在思考的话题。我清晰记得开始敲这篇文章的时候是八月底，现在已经一转眼已经圣诞。一直不敢竣工是因为我怕我写完了这个故事 就于等于是把某份情感，或者是所有这类型的情感 在我心里自己总结成了一个句号 。但索幸，在过去的四个月里，我弄清了一件事儿——那就是 我爱每一种可能。更重要的 我爱你 所以 我不必害怕。

这些思考真的很有趣 让我非常想深入研究一下Love到底是什么，but anyways

先说个故事作为引言：

上学期，朋友和我说想谈恋爱。像这种为了谈恋爱而谈恋爱的需求最好处理，本着帮朋友一把的初心，我果断给她撮成了一对。她和她男朋友都对“异性荷尔蒙”和“独属于我的偏爱”有欲望，所以短短七天就在一起了。

你知道的，快餐恋爱非常脆弱。所以在媒婆之后，我还多了个非常baffling的工作，叫情感咨询师。又名：负能量垃圾桶，好好先生，劝架王者。在这对情侣无数次因为小事拉扯吃醋生气，并需要我——一个和他们俩or他们俩的感情毫无关系的第三者，因为“人情”而免费出场“工作”之后，我麻了。

反思了一下，对于一直自我认知为“没什么情绪价值”and 和他们俩任何一个人都没这么close的我来说，“在沟通和逻辑疏导方面很有天赋”“输出能力强，讲的话有说服力”是我因为做了这封工作而新收到，且近期经常性被冠上的名头。嗯，这名头是真的，只不过我还需要探索如何更有针对性且在不劳烦到自己心理状态和情绪的情况下灵活使用。

工作了两个月，临近退休期，我从他们的这场被我看做”失败“的恋爱里感受到了一些东西。

快餐式恋爱的原因有很多，来头也有很多，比如这对情侣的恋爱需求以及恋爱矛盾大多数的内核是原生家庭创伤导致的。他们在短时间内快速建立了亲密关系，但却没做好handle的准备。对我们而言，也渴望建立亲密关系（友谊，爱情）。但在建立之前，一定想清楚自己被什么而吸引，因为这意味着这段关系的意义在哪里。比如我朋友谈恋爱的意义就在于：想要男人加上想要被有名分的爱。如果是被一个人身上稳定的人格或是某些特质而吸引，那么这些爱相对稳定。因为你知道你看见了真实的对方，所以这段关系的相处也是真实的，而那些浮于表面的好意只不过是关系的基础，触及不了真心，也不是关系的根本。

能够维持一段长久的亲密关系是一种能力，而拥有这种能力的人，必然也敢于面对真实自我的暴露，因为一段长期关系会暴露两个人最真实的自己从而出现各种各样的问题、而如何面对自己在亲密关系中不好的表现，如何宽容或者处理对方引起的矛盾，又如何让关系恢复如初，都非常需要双方具有强大而稳定的内核和因为爱而维护这段关系的决心。

那些无力维持长期关系，频繁被新鲜感所吸引的人，其实是因为自卑。他们无法调节自己去回报给对方足够的爱意，也因为自己的脆弱和逃避，无意去修复亲密关系中造成的损伤，而是选择追随不断的新鲜感，痴迷于在浅层次的关系中做完美的伴侣，而非在长期关系中成为一个爱别人也爱自己的真实的人。

当然还有一种特殊的例外，叫做：阶段性陪伴。在当下特定的阶段，确实很合适，也都做的很好。可一旦把时间线拉长，就会发现一点也不合适。嗯，学会接受不合适的存在。用力地抓住一段错误关系会有反噬的痛感。任何人在任何时间离开都是正常现象，因为精神内核不一样了。当俩人不再会因为一个老师，一节晚自习，一朵花而feel connected的时候，就你们去update&refresh一个新的”感情链”继续build up。这种时候嘛，要么是有一方放弃了，要么就是双方而怎么找都找不到。结局就是：say goodbye。不过人都是这样的，哪怕明白这个道理，也要花很多时间去接受。等这一刻真的来临的时候，估计还是没有做好准备，除非你是主动放弃的那个人。

嗯。。。好的亲密关系一定拥有最强的信念感，我知道我为什么被你吸引，我也知道你是怎样的一个人，你有你的优点也有缺点，我享受着你的优点带来的好处，那么我也承担着你的缺点带来的损伤，我知道你在人群背后的脆弱和破防，也希望让你知道因为我是真心爱你，所以我不会离开你。

这是我从小情侣身上看到的东西。很简单的逻辑，但又有点复杂。所以在我仔细思考四个月后我对亲密关系的结论，不管是友情还是爱情就是：享受当下and尽情摆烂。

我不是没有学以致用小情侣言传身教的内容，而是我已经到了下一个阶段。

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English Version：

I was listening to a song called "One Like Summer, One Like Autumn" by Christine Fan. I first heard it while rewatching my parents' wedding tape — it was sung by my mom's bridesmaid as a dedication to her during the ceremony. The lyrics go:

"If it weren't for you, I wouldn't believe that friends can be more loyal than lovers. Even when I freeze you out during my love life, you wouldn't hate me — you'd just scold me a bit. My unspoken meanings, my careless words... I can't live without my darling, but I can't live without you either."

Intimate relationships — whether friendships, romantic connections, or anything in between — are something we inevitably become entangled with as we grow up. And lately, I've been thinking a lot about love — to love, to be loved, and what it all even means.

I clearly remember starting this piece in late August. Now it’s already Christmas. I put off finishing it because I was scared that once I wrote this story down, it would be like placing a period at the end of a feeling. But thankfully, in these past four months, I figured something out: I love every possibility. And more importantly, I love you. So there's nothing to fear.

Let me start with a little story as the intro

Last semester, a friend of mine told me she wanted to fall in love. The kind of craving that isn't tied to a specific person — just wanting to be in a relationship. So, being the helpful friend I am, I played matchmaker and got her together with someone.

They were both craving heterosexual attraction and that intoxicating feeling of "someone likes me." So naturally, they got together within seven days.

You know how it is — fast food relationships tend to be fragile. So after playing matchmaker, I got an unexpected promotion to full-time emotional support therapist: the designated drama fixer, good guy, middleman, and occasional human trash bin for emotional dumping. Neither of them was that close to me. I wasn't emotionally invested. But because of "friendship duties," I kept showing up.

It was exhausting.

Still, I learned something from it.

Before this, I never thought I had much emotional value. But being tossed into this situation, I kept being called things like "good at communication," "naturally logical," "your words make sense," "you help me calm down." Turns out, I do have a talent for conflict resolution and perspective shifting — I just hadn’t realized it before. Now, I’m learning how to use this skill with intention, without letting it drain me.

After two months of being their unofficial couple counselor, I began approaching retirement. But before clocking out, I walked away with something deeper: a clearer view of why relationships like theirs often fall apart.

Fast love has many roots. One of the biggest? Childhood trauma.

These two were trying to fill gaps left by their families, craving validation without the emotional tools to hold it. They created intimacy quickly, but had no idea how to manage it.

We all want closeness — whether in love or friendship — but before we jump in, we have to ask ourselves: what exactly are we drawn to? That answer determines the meaning of the relationship.

In my friend's case, it was simple: she wanted a guy, and she wanted to be publicly loved. That kind of attraction is often unstable, because it's about how someone makes you feel, not who they really are. But if you’re drawn to someone’s character, values, or personality, the relationship is usually more grounded. You see them clearly, and your love builds from a place of truth.

Long-term intimacy is a skill.

To build that kind of relationship, both people have to be brave enough to show their real selves. Real connection means conflict, vulnerability, repair. It means seeing both the good and the hard parts of someone — and staying anyway.

People who constantly chase new connections, always hungry for novelty, often do it from a place of insecurity. They're afraid of being seen, of giving back, of staying when things get hard. So they stay on the surface, playing perfect partner in short sprints, but never becoming someone who can truly love — or be loved.

And then there’s something else: seasonal companionship. Sometimes, a relationship fits perfectly in a specific moment. But once time stretches out, you realize you're no longer aligned. That’s okay. Holding on too tightly can hurt. People grow. People leave. And when you no longer feel connected by a shared moment, a favorite teacher, a walk home after class — then maybe it’s time to update the "emotional contract." That’s when you say goodbye. Even if you knew it was coming, it still hurts.

Unless, of course, you were the one who let go first.

In the end, a healthy relationship is grounded in clarity and commitment.

I know what draws me to you. I see your flaws and still want to stay. I enjoy the light in you, and I’m willing to sit through the shadows too. Because I know you, and I know myself, and I choose you — not as a perfect person, but as a real one.

That’s what I learned from this little couple. Simple logic. But layered with reality.

So after four months of thinking about love, friendship, and all the blurry places in between, here’s my current conclusion:

Enjoy the moment. Love freely. And allow yourself to be an occasional mess.

I didn’t fail to apply what I learned from watching that couple.

I just graduated to a different chapter.